


Not Big Enough for the Three of Them

by quiet__tiger



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Vampire Diaries (TV), Twilight (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Mocking, So Much Mocking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 04:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10869285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Angel, Stefan, and Edward have a lot in common, even though they're all different. Spike finds it all amusing.





	Not Big Enough for the Three of Them

**Author's Note:**

> The original A/N: Spoilers for Buffy, Angel, the first Twilight, and what's been aired of The Vampire Diaries (part of season 1). Also, I know Spike's timeline doesn't really match up, but I wanted his sarcastic Big Bad version from before Buffy season 4, even though he and Angel reference things from after that period.
> 
> Originally posted to Livejournal Nov. 22nd, 2009.

Spike was in the mood for a fag, a fuck, or a sweet young thing to nibble on, in no particular order. He was almost outside when he heard deep voices on the other side of Angel’s door. Since when did Angel have friends? Without knocking he pushed open the solid wood door, and was greeted with the sight of...

“Bloody hell.” Three Angels sitting at the table looked towards the door, identical brooding expressions under their identical brooding caveman brows and vertical brown hair. “Angel, when did you clone yourself? And what could possibly be the reason?”

“Spike.” Angel only said his name, but Spike could easily hear the accompanying _You’re such an idiot_ and _Go the hell away_. “I didn’t clone myself. This is Edward.” He gestured to the guy on his right. “And Stefan.” The guy on Angel’s left.

Looking more closely, Spike did see that the three guys in front of him were different. Edward was paler than the others, and Stefan looked slightly less put-upon than the others. “You could have at least dressed differently. Are they wearing your identical black sweaters, or did you plan ahead?” Edward and Stefan looked at each other’s ribbed sweaters, while Angel just stared impassively at Spike.

“Spike. Leave.”

“And miss what’s obviously a rollicking good time of self pity and woe? I think not.” His night out could wait. “What are you lot talking about?” He leaned against the wall, smirk in place.

Edward spoke first. “Stefan and I arrived here. We seem to all have a lot in common.”

Quietly, Stefan offered, “With differences, of course.” Spike watched emotion flit across his face.

Suddenly Spike caught on. “You’re all ensouled vampires, aren’t you.” They were all too calm and weren’t giving him the vibes humans or regular vampires gave him.

“Different worlds, Spike. But you’re correct. Neither Edward or Stefan drink human blood.”

Spike felt like Casanova surrounded by virgins. “This I have to hear. What neutered the two of you?”

“My sire, clan father, was a nonviolent vampire who turned me so I wouldn’t die of the Spanish flu.” _His sire was a man? Awkward._ “None of us feed on humans.” Edward, whom Spike for some reason started thinking of as ‘the pup,’ met his questioning eyebrow with a blank stare. “It’s hard at first, but we all managed.”

“A clan? Let me guess, dad and mum, brothers and sisters and a dog and a cat?” Maybe if the pup could blush, he would have, but there was just more of that stare. Lowering his eyebrow, Spike turned to Stefan. “Same with you? All roses and kind intentions?”

“My brother is a monster. I’ve needed to clean up his messes or we’d both have been staked by now.” Spike made a mental note to ask about this brother. He sounded fun.

Looking between the three of them, Spike offered, “So you’re both voluntary eunuchs. Whereas if Angel had half a mind to get rid of his soul, he could be the vicious bastard I looked up to so many years ago.” At that, the pup and Stefan moved their chairs slightly away from Angel.

As they did, Spike noticed the fancy silver ring on Stefan’s hand and the cuff on Edward’s wrist. “Into jewelry?” Poofs.

Rubbing the cuff with his thumb, Edward answered, “It’s got my clan’s crest on it. We all have a piece of jewelry with the crest on it.”

“My ring makes me invulnerable to the sun. Only my brother and I have them.” Spike flicked his eyes to Angel’s, the words _Gem of Amara_ unspoken but quite loud between them. “Otherwise we burn.”

Emotionless as ever, Angel informed him, “So do we. Very painful.”

All of them looked towards Edward. He cleared his throat and looked down at his hands before he muttered, “We sparkle.” Spike snorted, and even Angel cracked an almost-smile. “What? It lets people know we’re different, that we’re vicious monsters!”

At that, Spike let out a full guffaw that hurt. “You sparkle?! Vicious? Come on, Pup, how bad could it be? I’d rather sparkle than burn to a crisp!”

“Did you just call me… No, you didn’t.” Spike was about to tell him he most certainly did, but Edward continued. “And we are vicious. Strong and fast, and everything about us, our looks, our bearing, our smell, attracts humans to us, so we can feed on them.”

“So you don’t even have the enjoyment of the hunt? Where’s the fun in that?”

The Broody Triplets looked at him and said in unison, “It’s not fun to be a vampire.”

“Oh, bloody hell. Just what I need is more mopey, guilt-ridden, hair gel-loving wankers around. At least go and get laid with different people than your hands for once.”

The glare Angel shot his way was almost as scorching as the sun’s rays. “That’s not a good idea.”

“Right, you turn all evil. Or knock someone up. I suppose I can see where you’d be wary. About the knocking up, not the evil. You’re fun when you’re evil.”

“I treat you like crap when I’m evil.”

“But at least you’re happy.” There was a silent stand off between the two of them until Stefan interrupted.

“So, Angel, sleeping with your girlfriend makes you evil? I thought it was bad when mine left right afterwards because she saw the pic of my ex-slash-sire who looks just like her.” Bundle of Angel-level issues, this Stefan was.

“So, Pup, what happened with you? You eat your girlfriend after a roll in the hay?” It might explain the dead look in his eyes, if he ate someone he cared about.

“She and I… I usually can’t get near enough to her to do more than kiss her before I start to lose my control. I can’t risk hurting her.”

Stefan gave him kind of a pitying look, and Spike smirked again. “We all have bloodlust, mate, that’s what makes being a vampire so invigorating. But you have to learn to control it. Otherwise you’ll end up as sexually frustrated as Angel here, and that doesn’t lead anywhere good.”

“Spike. Leave.”

“Oh, not again, Angel! We’re making some real progress here. And I bet all your girlfriends are human, too. Sweet young things, head strong and defiant.” Stefan nodded, and Edward looked bewildered. “What, Pup? Your lady not a Slayer?”

“I don’t know what that is.”

A world without a Slayer? Spike could only dream. “Any magic in your world? To help ward off evil creatures like myself?”

Cocking his head and looking interested for once, Stefan answered, “My girlfriend’s friend is a witch. I’m not sure what her spells are, though.”

“Make sure she never learns the one that rescinds a vampire’s invitation to a house, or you’ll never get back inside.”

Thoughtfully, Stefan said, “Maybe I can get a hold of that? My brother needs to be taught a lesson. All we have is this herb that weakens us. It’s rare, of course, and normal humans don’t know about it. I had to give some to my girlfriend so my brother stays away from her.”

More intrigued by the brother, Spike didn’t say anything. But he did turn to Edward and ask, “What about you? Any magical vampire repelling spells in your world?”

“No. And what do you mean invitation? I could go into her room and watch her sleep even before she loved me. Even before she liked me.”

The three other vampires in the room stared at Edward. Finally Spike broke the silence. “That’s creepy even to me, and I’ve been known to stalk the object of my desire. No comment from you, Angel.” He wondered if the tension between himself and Angel over Buffy was obvious to the Angel clones in the room.

Diverting attention, Angel asked Edward, “So, you have a family clan?”

“Yes. We’ve been together for a long time. Carlisle takes in vampires and teaches them not to kill.” Edward looked a bit thoughtful. “I like having a family. My human one was so long ago.”

Emotionless, Angel informed them, “I killed my family.”

“My brother killed ours.”

Not to be left out, Spike offered, “I turned my mum into a vampire, and she hit on me.” They all stared at him. “What? I can brood too, you know. If I were you lot, I would.”

“Other than my psychotic brother, and having to move around so much, my life isn’t so bad.”

Edward nodded. “I hate moving around, having to set up identities all over again, matriculating into high school.”

Spike looked over the junior Angels, and could tell Angel was, too. “You go to high school?” Edward nodded, and so did Stefan. “What the bloody hell for?”

Defensively, Edward answered, “The earlier we start the longer we can stay in one place.”

“That makes no sense. Say you graduated and you can stay as long as you want.”

Shaking his head, Stefan answered, “No, people eventually notice we don’t age. People can tell when kids don’t age.” There was an insult to Spike and Angel’s maturity there, he just knew it. “And I can’t just use the mind tricks every time I meet someone. Both because I really can’t because I’m not strong enough, and because it’s wrong.”

“Mind tricks?”

“Like Edward has his natural chemistry to draw in prey, we can control people’s minds, make them forget or remember what we want, get them to do what we want.”

Spike looked across to Angel, knowing that they were both thinking of Druscilla and her powers. Lucky for the human race he and Angel didn’t have that power, or they’d have an even higher death toll between them. “All that power, and you’re so…”

“Impotent.” All of them turned towards the door, where a thin, blue-eyed, also sweater-wearing vampire stood. He didn’t look broody at all, but he did eye the room warily until his eyes rested on Stefan, and he smirked.

“I’m not impotent.”

“Not in the traditional sense. I know that.” This was obviously Stefan’s brother. Aside from the sweater, Spike approved. He had the crazy, pompous swagger Angelus did. He stopped next to Spike and addressed the room. “Who the hell are all of you?”

“Spike. The older brooding one is Angel. The pup is Edward.”

The brother glanced at Spike and Angel, but his gaze rested on Edward. “Edward… Not Cullen, right?” Again it looked like Edward would blush if it were possible. “You’re so fucking whipped. That human chick has you wrapped around her damn finger. It’s pathetic.” He eyeballed Stefan. “Not that I don’t know what that’s like.”

Angel’s voice was quiet as he said, “It’s something we all share. Even Spike.”

Spike was going to deny it, but figured there was no point. He asked the newcomer, “So what’s your name? Romantic as Stefan, Angel, or Edward?”

“Damon Salvatore. And that,” he sneered with disgust, “is my brother. I’ve come to collect him. He disappeared and then I found myself here, and I’d rather like to go home.”

Spike smirked. “I’d say the party was just getting started, but I think you can tell that would be a lie.”

A glint of something in his blue eyes, Damon said, “If your friends are anything like Stefan, you’ll all party like it’s 1899. Without the fanfare and excitement.”

“Oh, they aren’t my friends. I only know the brooding one,” he and Damon shared a smile, “I mean the older one, and I wouldn’t call us friends.” They were a lot of things to each other, but certainly not friends. “I’m sure your brother is fun in a different situation. The pup, though, I don’t think so. Too hung up on sexual frustration.”

Eyeing Damon some more, Spike asked, “You want to get someone to eat? Leave the Broody Triplets to their pity party and go have some fun?”

“Go for it. Show me around Los Angeles.”

“Spike, I can’t let you leave and take him with you.”

“You’re bloody well not in control of me. I can do whatever I want. But fine, we won’t actually kill anyone. You have fun here with your clones. But go outside now if you want to. Wouldn’t want Edward to sparkle on anyone later.”

Damon… Spike didn’t want to call the noise he made ‘giggling,’ even though that’s what it was. “What was that? It’s true he sparkles? That’s hilarious.”

“He’s a bit defensive about it. I wouldn’t bring it up again. He has a nasty empty glare he stares at all the pretty girls with.”

After eying Edward up and down, Damon said confidently, “I can take him.”

The pup tried to defend himself. “You don’t even know me--”

“I don’t have to. I can smell it and see it. Even Stefan could kick your ass.”

“Thanks, Damon.” Stefan’s eye-roll was perfectly Angel-esque. Interesting brotherly dynamics here.

“Shall we, Damon?”

“Lead the way, Spike.”

Laughing together, they left the room, Spike shooting a knowing look in Angel’s direction. There would be more self-pity from the Angel clones, and probably a bitch fest about him and Damon, with Edward moping in the background.

Leading Damon down the hallway, Spike could only ponder at how his night would be far more interesting than normal. He’d have to thank The Powers That Be for this little game they were playing.

“So, Damon, tell me about the prettiest thing you’ve ever eaten…”

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the series below!
> 
> I wrote this after only seeing the first Twilight (because that's all that had come out at the time) so I didn't know what ultimately happens with Bella.
> 
> Having watched TVD faithfully all eight seasons, Stefan and Damon in this just seem bizarre to me now, considering how weird the first season was compared to everything that came afterwards (like how the Salvatores eventually aren't the only vamps in Mystic Falls in the show). Also, not knowing Stefan's, um, Ripper background... And the line about daylight rings--everyone and their mother has one. The comment about Bonnie... Hahaha!
> 
> Angel and Spike still crack me up.


End file.
